Well, writing this and sharing it umm.... is a little hard but If I can say something that may help anyone else then it is worth it and I just want to say that I didn't go through this on my own. The Lord was with me every step of the way. I know its hard for ppl to understand why a child would have to deal with something like this but I remember reading these words in the bible "And the child will lead us" so now that I'm growing and understanding more, I can help more. The Lord doesn't put more on us then we can handle and he knew that I would be able to handle this. He knew that I was strong enough, and I'm blessed to have gone through this because now I have my chance to help many other people. So
At the age of 7 my grandfather molested me. He made me perform sexual acts on him and then, he also did the same to me. Even though I was only 7, I still think it's my fault, however, if you were to ask me the same about to another 7 year old, I would tell you that it's not his or her fault. I guess that's just something that goes along with being molested/raped. It's hard for you to think that the ones who love you will hurt you on purpose...
When I was a little older, about 13 years of age, I was raped. He was a known pedophile and at the time, I was really afraid to tell anyone because of the issue with my grandfather. People didn't believe me when I told what my grandfather did to me. They said I was lying. Teachers, some family members, folks that I didn't even know accused me of lying. I was yelled at and questioned over and over. I knew that if I told someone about this rape, I would have to deal with the same thing, so I didn't just come out and say it, but people did find out, and yes, once again, I was accused of lying. Shortly after though, when people started to find out who he was, then it became "maybe she isnt lying". I guess for some folks, it's easier to tell the person you love that they're lying about something bad happening to them than to believe that something bad happened to the person you love.
During my preteen years, after trying to deal with being molested and raped, I just couldn't cope. I didn't do well in school, I acted up, lied, mistreated people and just about anything else. I didn't want to live and had attempted suicide twice. As you can see that didn't work out for me, because God has a plan for me and I intend on living out His plan. I went to counseling and honestly, I can't tell you how many counselors I've seen from the age of 7 until I was 19 years old. Going to counseling really didn't help me at all though. I know that for some people it does, but it didn't for me. I ended up doing things my way. I talked to friends, read about sexual abuse and began to understand what abuse victims experience. I also began talking to God and really tried to work things out. Eventually, I started doing better and even though I was only taking baby steps, any step toward making a change is GREAT.
Then at the age of 19, I was raped by a friend of a friend. The guy was drunk and he didnt seem to care that I was telling him no. Things got out of hand so fast that I didn't even know what was happening. Before, when I was 13, I told the other guy "no" but he didn't listen and did what he did to me and when I was 7, my grandfather threatened to kill me and my grandma if I told anyone, so by this time, with all the negatives still affecting me, I didn't say "no" right away. That was just my way of dealing with it. I believed that "If I wanted it, then it's not RAPE" even though I knew I didn't want it. Within this situation however, I was able to say "NO!" I yelled it, I hit him, I tried to leave and he wouldn't stop. I don't think I'll ever forget his words to me: "Just let me get my nut off".
Everyone always says if they were in that situation, they would scream, yell, fight and do anything to get out of the situation, but you just don't know unless your in it. I knew that if I did everything I could and still couldn't get away that I would want to kill myself so that I wouldn't have to play that situation over and over in my head, however, I also knew that I had to try. I was sick of letting guys HURT me. I had to stand up for myself because no one else would and to this day not many people know about it (I guess not anymore). My brother knows because he went with me to the hospital and I love him to death. A couple of other people know too but my family doesn't even really know. I felt that if less people knew then I would forget faster, but it's not true. It is still a constant thought. I've just grown to deal with it...
This is just one of my ways of dealing and working things out. It's ok if you've been raped or molested and you're afraid. You're not the only one and honestly if you asked some of the people you knew if they've ever been touched, molested or sexually abused in any way, you might be surprised at some of the answer you receive. The one thing that helps is being able to talk to someone who understands you. Someone who has been through it. Talking can take you a long way. Talking to God is the most important thing though. He's listening and He's ready to heal all of your wounds if you let him. If you're struggling and you need someone to talk to, I'm here. There are plenty of numbers and websites for support as well. DON'T FORGET ABOUT JESUS CHRIST....HE CAN AND WILL HELP YOU THROUGH IT ALL.
As for me right now, I'm 21 years old and I'm working on putting my life together. It's taken some years and I'm sure it will be some time until I'm fully together but with the Lord's help, I know it will become much better.
GT
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Trust Me: Applying FAITH in Faithfulness
I've always heard the Advent message on tithing and I have always wondered if it could ever apply to me. I always tithed, but my problem throughout the years had been my inconsistency. For some reason, I thought the rules never really applied to me. If anything, I thought perhaps it would apply more to my parents, or people that were older and made an income "worthy" of tithes and offering.
A friend of mine always spoke to me about the value of tithing and how God always provided for her and her family. Again, I never thought anything of it. "I will give what I can", I thought, "because God will understand. My job does not pay enough, so how can God possibly expect me to give 10% of what little earnings I make? I mean c'mon! God knows my job!"
Well I thought that way for many years. Some weeks, I would pay my tithes and offering diligently, and some weeks I would give whatever I could. Then there were the weeks I would give nothing at all. I didn't think anything of it. I knew it was wrong, and that I was robbing the Lord, but I didn't allow these thoughts to make me feel guilty enough to start doing it. I realize now that God did not want me to pay my tithes out of a guilty conscience or because I was scared of what He could do to me if I didn't. No. God was merciful and He wanted to show me how loving and gracious He is.
One week, the Lord spoke to me. I had just gotten my check and I deposited it in the bank. I withdrew all I needed to pay some essential bills and then I went ahead and paid all the bills I needed to pay online. My bank account was empty and the cash I had left was for bills. I knew I wouldn't eat that week and I quickly came to the realization that if I paid my tithe that Sabbath, I would not be able to pay my bill due on the upcoming Monday. I wanted so badly to take the money for tithe out of the envelope and place it with my bill, but everytime I tried, the Lord spoke. In a still small voice I heard "trust me".
The next day, I paid my tithe, and for the first time, I applied faith to my faithfulness. "Lord, You have spoken, and I am listening. Let Your will be done, and please provide for me. Well, as I dropped the envelope in the plate, I decided not to be remorseful or worried. I surrendered totally to God. I didn't know how I would get the money for my bill, but I was sure that my faith would see me through.
I had totally forgotten about the money.
That night, my Pastor called and asked me if I would be able to sing for a wedding the next day. It was very short notice, but as a wedding singer and singing evangelist, I knew that I was up for the challenge. I told him that I would do it. He explained to me that I would be volunteering and I went into it with the understanding that the church was not paying me. I didn't mind. I had never been paid to sing in my life, and I had become accustomed to singing for the Lord, and not money, my payment had always been blessings, and the joy I would receive for ministering to the hearts of others. I sang for the wedding, and it was such a wonderful experience. I sat and watched this beautiful couple become a union and I was blessed by the service. After the wedding, during the reception, my Pastor and his wife called me to their office. It seemed as though something went wrong. I was unsure of what happened, but I went in and waited. "You're in trouble," my Pastor said. I was alarmed. My eyes opened wide and my palms became clammy instantly. Then he let out a smile and began to chuckle. He told me to open my hands and planted two bills in my them. I looked down and saw that I had been given a double portion of my tithe money. I began crying, as everything clicked.
"Trust me."
The tears of joy overpowered my Pastor's words and I had only gathered bits of what he said. The family was so pleased with my singing, they wanted to say thank you in a monetary form. I was baffled at how great God was to me.
Funny enough, I had always been the person to hear the "miraculous" stories of people who didn't have a morsel of food to eat, but paid their tithe, and just say "yeah, yeah, that would never apply to me". I've learned many lessons. God wants us to have faith in Him. It isn't enough to be faithful and pay your tithe every week. You have to apply the faith in faithfulness. I've learned that God wants us to be grateful for what we do have. Even if our job may not be bring in a lot, we can still give back a portion to Him, which is rightfully His anyway. Now, even if it's my last, I'm going to pay my tithe consistently. I have been diligent since and God is with me every step of the way. God is speaking. Can you hear Him? It's a still small voice...
"Trust me."
S.G
A friend of mine always spoke to me about the value of tithing and how God always provided for her and her family. Again, I never thought anything of it. "I will give what I can", I thought, "because God will understand. My job does not pay enough, so how can God possibly expect me to give 10% of what little earnings I make? I mean c'mon! God knows my job!"
Well I thought that way for many years. Some weeks, I would pay my tithes and offering diligently, and some weeks I would give whatever I could. Then there were the weeks I would give nothing at all. I didn't think anything of it. I knew it was wrong, and that I was robbing the Lord, but I didn't allow these thoughts to make me feel guilty enough to start doing it. I realize now that God did not want me to pay my tithes out of a guilty conscience or because I was scared of what He could do to me if I didn't. No. God was merciful and He wanted to show me how loving and gracious He is.
One week, the Lord spoke to me. I had just gotten my check and I deposited it in the bank. I withdrew all I needed to pay some essential bills and then I went ahead and paid all the bills I needed to pay online. My bank account was empty and the cash I had left was for bills. I knew I wouldn't eat that week and I quickly came to the realization that if I paid my tithe that Sabbath, I would not be able to pay my bill due on the upcoming Monday. I wanted so badly to take the money for tithe out of the envelope and place it with my bill, but everytime I tried, the Lord spoke. In a still small voice I heard "trust me".
The next day, I paid my tithe, and for the first time, I applied faith to my faithfulness. "Lord, You have spoken, and I am listening. Let Your will be done, and please provide for me. Well, as I dropped the envelope in the plate, I decided not to be remorseful or worried. I surrendered totally to God. I didn't know how I would get the money for my bill, but I was sure that my faith would see me through.
I had totally forgotten about the money.
That night, my Pastor called and asked me if I would be able to sing for a wedding the next day. It was very short notice, but as a wedding singer and singing evangelist, I knew that I was up for the challenge. I told him that I would do it. He explained to me that I would be volunteering and I went into it with the understanding that the church was not paying me. I didn't mind. I had never been paid to sing in my life, and I had become accustomed to singing for the Lord, and not money, my payment had always been blessings, and the joy I would receive for ministering to the hearts of others. I sang for the wedding, and it was such a wonderful experience. I sat and watched this beautiful couple become a union and I was blessed by the service. After the wedding, during the reception, my Pastor and his wife called me to their office. It seemed as though something went wrong. I was unsure of what happened, but I went in and waited. "You're in trouble," my Pastor said. I was alarmed. My eyes opened wide and my palms became clammy instantly. Then he let out a smile and began to chuckle. He told me to open my hands and planted two bills in my them. I looked down and saw that I had been given a double portion of my tithe money. I began crying, as everything clicked.
"Trust me."
The tears of joy overpowered my Pastor's words and I had only gathered bits of what he said. The family was so pleased with my singing, they wanted to say thank you in a monetary form. I was baffled at how great God was to me.
Funny enough, I had always been the person to hear the "miraculous" stories of people who didn't have a morsel of food to eat, but paid their tithe, and just say "yeah, yeah, that would never apply to me". I've learned many lessons. God wants us to have faith in Him. It isn't enough to be faithful and pay your tithe every week. You have to apply the faith in faithfulness. I've learned that God wants us to be grateful for what we do have. Even if our job may not be bring in a lot, we can still give back a portion to Him, which is rightfully His anyway. Now, even if it's my last, I'm going to pay my tithe consistently. I have been diligent since and God is with me every step of the way. God is speaking. Can you hear Him? It's a still small voice...
"Trust me."
S.G
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God
It all started when I was 17 years old, attending my last year of high school. I was in the process of applying to……actually no, it all started when I was 9 years old and sitting in the back seat of my mom’s car, and I drove by COLUMBIA UNIVERISTY. Ever since then, this utmost desire to attend this university grew in me. Every day, from the age on, I prayed to God, begging Him to allow the admission officers of that school to accept me. Having no idea what the school was about, as I started my Junior High School, I decided to attend their fall and summer programs. I knew that starting ties with the School early on would look good on my resume, so I proceeded in doing that for six years. I did all that I needed to do to get in that Ivy League School, such as performing well academically, undertaking extracurricular activities, travelling all over the world, increasing my proficiency in many languages and so on. As I reached my last year of High school, I applied at Columbia University as an Early Decision candidate; which meant that it was illegal to apply to any other schools and I would be forced to go to that school if I were accepted. Being that Columbia was my dream school, those conditions were not a problem for me. I knew that’s where I wanted to go. So as time went by, low and behold, I got accepted. Celebrations were made every two days, whether it be with my immediate family, my extended family, in church, in school, everywhere.
However, the nightmare began suddenly. Two months later, I got involved in a little issue in my school that caused me to get suspended for one day. The suspension later on fell in the ears of the admission officers of Columbia University. And, just like that, my admission was revoked. My life literally stopped right at that moment. The one thing that I had asked from God was finally in my hand, and I just let it slip out of it. I was distraught, hopeless and done. Being that I hadn’t applied to any school, thanks to their legal rule, not only was I out of Columbia but I had no chance to get anywhere. All schools had finished with regular admissions and I was left out. I cried myself to sleep EVERYDAY!!! I wanted to run so far away and never come back. Nevertheless, I knew of a God, the mighty and omnipotent God named Jehovah. I prayed daily that He took me out of this misery. I fasted non-stop.
Results: Two weeks before the semester was starting for almost every college in NY, after their admission office had been closed for the upcoming semester, out of nowhere, Fordham University Lincoln Center was desperate for me to be a part of their school. I started right away and graduated right on time. Praise God!
But it doesn’t end there.
Even before wanting to be a student at Columbia University, I wanted to be a lawyer. I worked in law firms for 5 years, building knowledge on the field of law. I went from receptionist in one firm to being a paralegal and office manager at another firm, while enrolled in college. Things were looking great. However, after my incident with Columbia, I grew a lot spiritually and I started getting more connected to God. I got intensively involved with ministry as well. However the things that I had to do in the law firms that I was working in were not fitting with what I was preaching about in ministry. How can I speak of the commandments of God, but for work, defend murderers, thieves, liars, drug dealers? It didn’t make sense. And it was bothering my spirit for quite some time. Furthermore, the CEO’s of those firms, although they were millionaires, were involved in some real illegal stuff. I was baffled. However I knew that if I went to law school, this would be the life I had to pretty much adopt forever. So I prayed to God and said “God before I make this decision, reveal to me if this is the will you have for me.” For weeks, I prayed that prayer and I felt like He was not answering me. So I proceeded in filling out these applications. However, two seconds before I was ready to hit the “send” buttons to all 14 schools, something told me WAIT. I was nervous and I did not want to trace my life a certain way that God didn’t want for me. So I saved the applications and logged out. After much praying, I came back with a decision that I would apply to only one school out of all 14, and if God wanted me to go to law school, that I would get accepted; and if not, that would be the end of the road. I applied to Fordham Law School and I didn’t get accepted. Although I had prepared for both, an admission and a rejection, my heart was crushed in million pieces because I did not know what to do next with my career life. What was I going to tell my mother? What was I going to tell my family? I was lost.
But three days later, after crying as much as I breathed, my faith built right back up and I said God, “you shut this door to open a new one. Everything will be alright.”
Results: One year later, I am now pursuing an MBA and an international Management degree in Barcelona, Spain. I can honestly say I love it here. I love the school, I love the country, I love the people and I love the fact that I can have a profession and not feel like it’s incompatible to my ministry, nor to the Word.
During my trials, I did not focus on them as much as I thought I would. But instead I focused on God and what He wanted me to do: ministry, building a spiritual mind and character. Being that, I believed and I did not lean on my own understanding of things but rather, I trusted Him with all my heart, He directed my path. (Prov 3:5-7)
PRAISE GOD!!! I am sure there are more testimonies to come.
The verse I leave with you is the following: Matthew 6:33 “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, And all these things shall be added unto you”. Be blessed!
L.J
However, the nightmare began suddenly. Two months later, I got involved in a little issue in my school that caused me to get suspended for one day. The suspension later on fell in the ears of the admission officers of Columbia University. And, just like that, my admission was revoked. My life literally stopped right at that moment. The one thing that I had asked from God was finally in my hand, and I just let it slip out of it. I was distraught, hopeless and done. Being that I hadn’t applied to any school, thanks to their legal rule, not only was I out of Columbia but I had no chance to get anywhere. All schools had finished with regular admissions and I was left out. I cried myself to sleep EVERYDAY!!! I wanted to run so far away and never come back. Nevertheless, I knew of a God, the mighty and omnipotent God named Jehovah. I prayed daily that He took me out of this misery. I fasted non-stop.
Results: Two weeks before the semester was starting for almost every college in NY, after their admission office had been closed for the upcoming semester, out of nowhere, Fordham University Lincoln Center was desperate for me to be a part of their school. I started right away and graduated right on time. Praise God!
But it doesn’t end there.
Even before wanting to be a student at Columbia University, I wanted to be a lawyer. I worked in law firms for 5 years, building knowledge on the field of law. I went from receptionist in one firm to being a paralegal and office manager at another firm, while enrolled in college. Things were looking great. However, after my incident with Columbia, I grew a lot spiritually and I started getting more connected to God. I got intensively involved with ministry as well. However the things that I had to do in the law firms that I was working in were not fitting with what I was preaching about in ministry. How can I speak of the commandments of God, but for work, defend murderers, thieves, liars, drug dealers? It didn’t make sense. And it was bothering my spirit for quite some time. Furthermore, the CEO’s of those firms, although they were millionaires, were involved in some real illegal stuff. I was baffled. However I knew that if I went to law school, this would be the life I had to pretty much adopt forever. So I prayed to God and said “God before I make this decision, reveal to me if this is the will you have for me.” For weeks, I prayed that prayer and I felt like He was not answering me. So I proceeded in filling out these applications. However, two seconds before I was ready to hit the “send” buttons to all 14 schools, something told me WAIT. I was nervous and I did not want to trace my life a certain way that God didn’t want for me. So I saved the applications and logged out. After much praying, I came back with a decision that I would apply to only one school out of all 14, and if God wanted me to go to law school, that I would get accepted; and if not, that would be the end of the road. I applied to Fordham Law School and I didn’t get accepted. Although I had prepared for both, an admission and a rejection, my heart was crushed in million pieces because I did not know what to do next with my career life. What was I going to tell my mother? What was I going to tell my family? I was lost.
But three days later, after crying as much as I breathed, my faith built right back up and I said God, “you shut this door to open a new one. Everything will be alright.”
Results: One year later, I am now pursuing an MBA and an international Management degree in Barcelona, Spain. I can honestly say I love it here. I love the school, I love the country, I love the people and I love the fact that I can have a profession and not feel like it’s incompatible to my ministry, nor to the Word.
During my trials, I did not focus on them as much as I thought I would. But instead I focused on God and what He wanted me to do: ministry, building a spiritual mind and character. Being that, I believed and I did not lean on my own understanding of things but rather, I trusted Him with all my heart, He directed my path. (Prov 3:5-7)
PRAISE GOD!!! I am sure there are more testimonies to come.
The verse I leave with you is the following: Matthew 6:33 “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, And all these things shall be added unto you”. Be blessed!
L.J
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