God Kept Me... So I Wouldn't Let Go (Parental Discretion Advised)

Well, writing this and sharing it umm.... is a little hard but If I can say something that may help anyone else then it is worth it and I just want to say that I didn't go through this on my own. The Lord was with me every step of the way. I know its hard for ppl to understand why a child would have to deal with something like this but I remember reading these words in the bible "And the child will lead us" so now that I'm growing and understanding more, I can help more. The Lord doesn't put more on us then we can handle and he knew that I would be able to handle this. He knew that I was strong enough, and I'm blessed to have gone through this because now I have my chance to help many other people. So 


At the age of 7 my grandfather molested me. He made me perform sexual acts on him and then, he also did the same to me. Even though I was only 7, I still think it's my fault, however, if you were to ask me the same about to another 7 year old, I would tell you that it's not his or her fault. I guess that's just something that goes along with being molested/raped. It's hard for you to think that the ones who love you will hurt you on purpose... 


When I was a little older, about 13 years of age, I was raped. He was a known pedophile and at the time, I was really afraid to tell anyone because of the issue with my grandfather. People didn't believe me when I told what my grandfather did to me. They said I was lying. Teachers, some family members, folks that I didn't even know accused me of lying. I was yelled at and questioned over and over. I knew that if I told someone about this rape, I would have to deal with the same thing, so I didn't just come out and say it, but people did find out, and yes, once again, I was accused of lying. Shortly after though, when people started to find out who he was, then it became "maybe she isnt lying". I guess for some folks, it's easier to tell the person you love that they're lying about something bad happening to them than to believe that something bad happened to the person you love. 

During my preteen years, after trying to deal with being molested and raped, I just couldn't cope. I didn't do well in school, I acted up, lied, mistreated people and just about anything else. I didn't want to live and had attempted suicide twice. As you can see that didn't work out for me, because God has a plan for me and I intend on living out His plan. I went to counseling and honestly, I can't tell you how many counselors I've seen from the age of 7 until I was 19 years old. Going to counseling really didn't help me at all though. I know that for some people it does, but it didn't for me. I ended up doing things my way. I talked to friends, read about sexual abuse and began to understand what abuse victims experience. I also began talking to God and really tried to work things out. Eventually, I started doing better and even though I was only taking baby steps, any step toward making a change is GREAT.

Then at the age of 19, I was raped by a friend of a friend. The guy was drunk and he didnt seem to care that I was telling him no. Things got out of hand so fast that I didn't even know what was happening. Before, when I was 13, I told the other guy "no" but he didn't listen and did what he did to me and when I was 7, my grandfather threatened to kill me and my grandma if I told anyone, so by this time, with all the negatives still affecting me, I didn't say "no" right away. That was just my way of dealing with it. I believed that "If I wanted it, then it's not RAPE" even though I knew I didn't want it. Within this situation however, I was able to say "NO!" I yelled it, I hit him, I tried to leave and he wouldn't stop. I don't think I'll ever forget his words to me: "Just let me get my nut off".

Everyone always says if they were in that situation, they would scream, yell, fight and do anything to get out of the situation, but you just don't know unless your in it. I knew that if I did everything I could and still couldn't get away that I would want to kill myself so that I wouldn't have to play that situation over and over in my head, however, I also knew that I had to try. I was sick of letting guys HURT me. I had to stand up for myself because no one else would and to this day not many people know about it (I guess not anymore). My brother knows because he went with me to the hospital and I love him to death. A couple of other people know too but my family doesn't even really know. I felt that if less people knew then I would forget faster, but it's not true. It is still a constant thought. I've just grown to deal with it...

This is just one of my ways of dealing and working things out. It's ok if you've been raped or molested and you're afraid. You're not the only one and honestly if you asked some of the people you knew if they've ever been touched, molested or sexually abused in any way, you might be surprised at some of the answer you receive. The one thing that helps is being able to talk to someone who understands you. Someone who has been through it. Talking can take you a long way. Talking to God is the most important thing though. He's listening and He's ready to heal all of your wounds if you let him.  If you're struggling and you need someone to talk to, I'm here. There are plenty of numbers and websites for support as well. DON'T FORGET ABOUT  JESUS CHRIST....HE CAN AND WILL HELP YOU THROUGH IT ALL.

As for me right now, I'm 21 years old and I'm working on putting my life together. It's taken some years and I'm sure it will be some time until I'm fully together but with the Lord's help, I know it will become much better. 


GT