Some years ago, I met an individual. When we started out, we were just friends, strictly platonic. As time moved on, we became close and eventually expressed our feelings for each other. We spent time together, knew each other’s families, and although we were young, we seemed to genuinely love each other. Sounds perfect right? Well not exactly...
After months into our “situation”, I started seeing a side of him that I didn’t like. He neglected me often, spent a lot of his time with other females, and began abusing me psychologically and emotionally. Some people seem to think that physical abuse is the worst kind of abuse because you can see physical scars, however, internal damage, damage that one cannot see with the naked eye, can be just as detrimental.
During the abuse, I prayed to God that he would change the guy’s heart and allow him to see that I was a good woman. I asked God to make him love and respect me in the ways that I truly loved and respected him. I tried to give the “situation” some time, hoping that things would change. I sought out advice from close friends and talked to God about it often, because I really believed in us and I thought he did too.
I often blamed myself and continued to sacrifice and compromise during this time, even though the other individual refused to do the same for me. After a while, I started to believe that God was punishing me and that this was my fate. I couldn’t stop loving someone who couldn’t care less about me and it was pure torture. As the years went on, I continued accepting the hurt, pain and sorrow. One day, when I was finally made aware of his infidelities, I was ready to end my life. I did not want to suffer anymore. I began feeling like I wasn’t good enough and that I didn’t deserve to live. I truly wanted to die because I felt as though death would free me and that I wouldn’t have to hurt anymore. I also began to feel as though everyone else around me thought of me in the same ways in which he did. I distrusted everyone, believing that they would hurt me just like he did. Finally, I had an emotional breakdown. I did, spoke, felt and thought in ways that I should not have. I was a shell of the woman that I used to be. I didn’t even know who I was anymore, but maybe that was a good thing...
God has a way of allowing certain situations to occur in our lives to bring us closer to Him (this is called the Permissible Will of God). Before this whole ordeal, I had a love for God but I did not have a relationship with Him. I believed that He existed, but my faith wavered. I said I was a Christian, but did many things that were hypocritical to that notion. It took this “situation” and almost losing my life to make me realize that God is real. He wants the best for me, but He is not going to force me to follow Him. Until I allowed Him to take complete control of my life, I was Satan’s puppet.
He is also a wise God. He never gave me what I prayed for: to be in a relationship with that guy. Why? Because, God doesn’t make mistakes and He knew that this guy was no good for me and would never really love me. Why would God intentionally give me something that would cause me so much harm? I’m glad that He didn’t answer my prayers. I’m glad that those days are over. I may not be perfect now, but I have definitely come a long way from those dark, lonely and depressing nights.
I now have a new vision on life. I am focused on strengthening my relationship with God and serving him wholeheartedly in any way that He wants me to. The bible says that you cannot serve two masters (Matt 6:24 and Luke 16:13) and from experience, I have learned that I cannot and will not serve man and God, so I made up my mind to serve God only. I am thankful to God for deliverance and I am also thankful that He has forgiven me. I was so caught up in one thing that I neglected God and it took for me to hit rock bottom to realize that I needed to change my life and give it all to God.
“Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:18 and 19.
Leave the past in the past. Don’t focus on where you came from; Concentrate on where you’re going. God will provide if you trust Him. SC
Why would God intentionally give me something that would cause me so much harm? love this!!
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